Continuing from my previous post.
I think only a few people are aware of this part of my life, not even my parents. As I'm not a person who would pour out my troubles to other people, so many would think that i'm happy and satisfy with what i have now. Probably in many people eyes, i'm always that high achiever in school academic or many other things. But of course, i'm a perfectionist. I have a high expectation for myself and thus also for others. I always demands the best in whatever i do. I guess the nice way to put it is high self expectation, and the more direct way is "Kiasu". This is a familiar word in both Malaysia and Singapore context. I used to think that the spirit of "Kiasu" is only for losers. But now i think if you don't have that spirit, you must be prepared to lose. I know we should be contented with what we have, but to what level? To be contented is a nice way of saying, having no life goal is a more direct way. Some might be rolling their eyes when i said so. But, I guess the true value of satisfactory depends individually. Some people might think that if you are never satisfy with anything, you are just pure greedy. Well, different people have different expectation i must say, and some are indeed a bit more greedy. Anyway, this post will acts as a reminder for myself when i looked back after 10 years or more, i'll be able to understand God's goodness in my life.
Let my story begins.
I always have this dream of pursuing my tertiary studies overseas since young. I always have the thought to abandon Malaysia when i got the chance. I always think that there is no point for me staying on Malaysia when it is still categorise as a developing country after 56 years of independents. Look at the economy growth of Singapore and South Korea, why they could achieve such growth in a short period of time but Malaysia is moving at relatively slow speed? Of course no country is perfect. However, i believe that Malaysia would had been better than the state we are now in. I grew up as a Malaysian Chinese, I need to be honest to say that i always feel that I'm a second class citizen in many aspect despite the fact the Malaysia Government kept promoting the "1 Malaysia" concept. Hence, I decided to worked hard to achieve good results in SPM in order to get a scholarship that can fulfill my dream which is to get out of Malaysia asap, but like many other non-bumiputra Malaysians, the competition is tough. After SPM, i failed to secure the JPA oversea scholarship because having 8A1, 2A2 and 1B3(My target was straight A1) was not good enough. So my dream was dashed, when i saw that B3 next to my mother tongue. I had no choice but to stick with STPM due to my family financial limitation. I did not give up, but rather i worked even harder. I didn't appeal for Matriculation, because i think that i could learn much more in STPM.
After STPM, which i only had myself to blame for not working harder, with the pointer of 3.5/4.0, i hope that there would be a miracle for me to get into Singapore Universities. But apparently, the doors are shut. I still remembered i prayed hard everyday. But i think God is still not yet done with me, as in He thinks that i need more trials and challenges (my way of comforting myself). Knowing that i'm only left with the option of local public university, i still have to accept it, because i know my parents couldn't afford to send me to private colleges. Because at the same time they need to send my brother to college as well. My brother is not a study type of person, so taking STPM is just a waste of time for him. My parents sent him to MMU for foundation studies and straight to degree, hoping that this would be a better path for him. As in comparison, i'm more of the able to study type so i'll just have to accept the course offered by local university. My first choice was dental studies or any other health care related studies. But judging from my cgpa, there is zero hope for me to get a place into dental school or healthcare related courses in public university due to the way the higher education system select students. I was left with no choice but to fill up my 8 choices with options where my cgpa fits in and after the fifth choice i just anyhow filled it up. Still God has another tougher road for me.
I was offered Bachelor of Science and Technology Studies in University of Malaya. I don't even remembered filling up that as an option, so i checked back, and to my surprise i did lol. Not knowing what is that course about, so i checked through all the forums for more info, but there are only a handful of chinese enrolled in that course so no info at all. Even now, in my 2nd year, i still have no idea what is that course about. If you don't like, change course lah! Yeap, that was what i said to myself. So i gathered some info regarding changing of courses. I gave myself a semester to try to be interested in it, but i think its just not where i should belong. Although i don't really like that course much, but i'm still able to score well like i did for my history paper during SPM lol. Not trying to brag, but i thank God for this special talent in me. Probably this is why he thinks that i'm up to the challenge. Hmm...maybe lol. After the first semester, i applied for course changing. According to seniors experiences, the highest possibility... is to change courses within faculty. After a semester of looking through all the courses, i decided to switch to Bachelor of BioHealth. This course sounds better right? And it does looks like something related to healthcare lol.
I waited and prayed really hard asking that God would open up the door for me. Before i entered my 2nd year, i received the letter from the student enrollment department regarding my application for change of course. I have to admit that, it is definitely a heart breaking moment when i saw that i did not succeed. But, what to do? Do i cry over it? Yes i did. Am i sad n disappointed? Of course. I blame God? Yes, in my heart silently for a minute or two. I feel hopeless? Yes. But what's next? Quitting? NO, DEFINITELY NOT! I'm not a born quitter, but an achiever!
I was indeed having a hard time for the 1st two weeks of semester. I still remembered, i nearly burst into tears on the first class during the 2nd week during lecture. Because i just simply don't like it and have no interest in it! I think after so many times of rejection and failures, it's fair for me to at least let it out once ya? I almost wanted to quit, but at the same time I'm a JPA scholar, i can't say quit as in i feel like it. There will be a lot of paper work needed to be done, and i'm too lazy to solve those problems, and if i really did quit what am i suppose to do next? Like i mentioned earlier on, my parents won't be able to afford to send me for any dental or healthcare related courses in private colleges. So i just have to suck up all my emotion and carry on. I'm quite lost actually, even till now. But this semester, by God's grace i drew a lot closer to my other coursemates. So, i think that just helped me to get passed all the emo-ness in me.
Another person who gave me strength other than God, is my discipler-Miss Yeo Bee Yin. It's definitely God's will for us to meet! We shared many things in common, and i know she is an example that i could follow. After reading her testimony, i gain a lot of strength and hope despite the rocky journey i'm going through now. Read her testimony here. She does influenced me a lot.
I am never the politics kind of person. During my first semester, I'm still having the thought of i must quickly finish 3.5 years and ciao, because i think that staying put in Malaysia is hopeless. Just like i had mentioned above, in comparison to our neighbouring country-Singapore, Thailand or even Vietnam, i'm quite disappointed with what Malaysia achieved in these 56 years of independence. We did had our glamorous moment, but there's a Chinese saying 好花不常开，好景不常在, meaning that good times doesn't last. I'm certain that many people do know that Malaysia is turning into/already an international joke! The availability of social medias, many of us are very well aware of that. Of course some people tends to exaggerate those news but some are really true. Being one of the most corrupted country. The definition of gay by our ministers? The list just goes on and on. Being a qualified voter, i'm not even interested to vote at all. Because to me, voting either party is still the same. One side having all the corrupted politician, another having all the greenhorns. I think that its useless to vote anyway, just let Malaysia be as she is now. But after much understanding from Bee Yin on her passion for this nation, i suddenly realised that there are actually many others who actually gave up their high pay job and good life to come back to Malaysia, because of their love for Malaysia! So between the two options, i think i know where i should place my vote.
Since God had to shut so many doors to keep me here, i think there is much more than just making me to be more obedience to Him. I think it's time for me even as a normal student to think more for my country. Probably i can't make much change for my generation, but for the future generation, i should take up my part as a Malaysian. Be more concern in politics, and make a change! If we as Malaysian don't even want to take the effort to make a change, who else can you aspect help from? As a future taxpayer, i would never ever let my hard earned money to end up in those useless corrupted politicians pockets! So, if you are still one of those who thinks that Malaysia politics is non of your business, you better start changing your mindset! Politics is actually the core of the country, everything is so related to it. I'm not telling you who you should vote, but hoping that you will be more concern for your country. If you truly love your country, then it's time to make a stand and make a change!
Of course, i'm still pursuing my dream to study in overseas. Working hard so that i could get another scholarship to ensure that comes true. But i'm going to make good use of my time here in Malaysia as a Malaysian, so that when i'm in another country i can proudly say that I'm from Malaysia!
Friday, February 08, 2013
Revival of my blog!!!
Finally i got some time to blog some of what i went through for my previous semester. From the level of me abandoning my blog, you can tell how busy i was lol. Anyway one word...busy lah. I really doubt what time would i be able to complete this blog from all the disturbance around me eg whatsapp, facebook, twitter..lol
Anyway, I did say i wanted to do a recap of last year, but apparently my new year was spent in the mist of my study week...of procrastinating. LOL!
So, this is my second year in UM! Well im a senior now of course...hmm no special feelings though, maybe a little bit older i guess XP. So, before i entered my 2nd year, i received the letter from the student enrollment department regarding my application for change of course. I have to admit that, it is definitely a heart breaking moment when i saw that i did not succeed. But, what to do? Do i cry over it? Yes i did. Am i sad n disappointed? Of course. I blame God? Yes, in my heart silently for a minute or two. I feel hopeless? Yes. But what's next? Quitting? NO, DEFINITELY NOT! I'm not a born quitter, but an achiever! After some time of struggling, i decided to take whatever comes my way. I shall continue this part of my struggle in my next post. Now moving on!
After entering Uni, i'm glad that i still share room with my previous roommate and another new roommate from Sarawak a Catholic. I thank God for all his arrangement for me to meet this sister and the privileged to grow in Christ together with her. I think i got quite a lot of story to share regarding my uni life as well. Probably i'll go into details about the angels that God send to me during my varsity life in another day, too much things i would like to share.
I also took part in one of the college activity, in which i get the opportunity to learn 24 seasonal drum (二十四节令鼓). I think it is a great experience, and i'm glad that i have the opportunity =). I also went to victory weekend organise by my KL church-Eaglepoint. A great opportunity to refresh my life for God. A time to confess, a time to reaffirm my faith in Him and a time to understand my life purpose more. I started the one year bible reading plan in early september. It has always been in my mind, but sadly i always lack the motivation to start off and i hope that this time i could really stick to the plan. I guess this is also a challenge for me. As for the challenge to make disciple, it has always been a challenging task for me. I don't know how i'm going to carry out, but since my coursemate they are all non-christians, i pray that God will give me a platform to kick start.
As for my results, i must really praise the Lord for giving me his blessing every time. I'm a professional procrastinator. I only study during the eve of exam, rush my assignments last minute, prepare quiz/test the night before. Nevertheless, my God always lend me his hand in time when i need Him the most. I'm glad that after two semester, my cgpa still maintain at a relatively satisfactory range, hopefully after the 3rd semester it will not affect my dream to pursue my studies in a foreign land. I have been waiting for the answer from Him since form 5, and i hope after these years of hard work and faith i'll get a YES eventually. As the bible says: "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who ask receive; the one who seeks finds; and to the one knocks, the door will be opened." (Matt 7:7-8). "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." (Matt 21:22). With these two verses, i have faith in him.
Can't wait anymore for Chinese New Year! But before that, there are some dearies i really need to thank!
To God,
Thank You for being patience, kind and merciful with this annoying girl for 22 years. This girl always complaint about things in her life. This girl doubted you numerous times. This girl bothers you even with the simplest thing in her life, especially with the mistakes she made by herself. This girl whines whenever she thinks that life is unfair. The list will just go on as this girl life goes on. But this girl is truly grateful for all you have done for her, despite whether are those challenges, trials or hardship you put in her life or the blessing you showered upon her. Because she knows that from the day she surrender her life to you, you will have control over her.
To Parents,
Thank You for raising me these 22 years. Thank you for tolerating my nonsense, craziness and barbaric behaviour. I know i'm not a daughter who is good with words of appreciation. I seldom say thank you and never once I love you. But thank you for all the support and teaching throughout my life. Thank you for believing me for whatever decision i make or action i take. This is one of the main factor for all of my achievements, because you made me believing in myself that i can do it on my own. Though i always think, if i'm born with a wealthy family background, then i don't need to make do with my current course. I would be able to do the courses i desire, probably even pursuing my degree oversea. But still i thank God for blessing me with you as my parents. Though you may not be rich, but you provide for my needs. Though you never ask how i did in school, but i know that you are confident in me. Knowing that we are facing some financial problem as both me and derrick is in uni now, but mom you always show me the example of trust and obey, and God will provide. Indeed, God's goodness never fails. He blessed me with a full scholarship, and i'm proud to say that i'm 100% financially independent now.
To Friends,
I must say i don't usually pour my problems to anyone of you, because i'm always told: "if I can't even solve the problem, who is able to do so?" I guess i just have to thank you for having such an high expectation in me lol. But still thank you for your accompaniment whether is through whatsapp spamming or sms or even daily crap talking, i do enjoy every moment i spent with you guys.
To LG members,
Thank You for all the Holly prayer session, yumcha, makan session. I never once in my lifetime experience such close bonding between strangers from different places. But i believe since we have the same God as our center, we are no strangers to each other but brothers and sisters. The visitation, powerful prayers and supper delivery during examination period was the warmest care i ever experienced. Let's grow in Him stronger everyday, and make disciples.
Anyway, I did say i wanted to do a recap of last year, but apparently my new year was spent in the mist of my study week...of procrastinating. LOL!
So, this is my second year in UM! Well im a senior now of course...hmm no special feelings though, maybe a little bit older i guess XP. So, before i entered my 2nd year, i received the letter from the student enrollment department regarding my application for change of course. I have to admit that, it is definitely a heart breaking moment when i saw that i did not succeed. But, what to do? Do i cry over it? Yes i did. Am i sad n disappointed? Of course. I blame God? Yes, in my heart silently for a minute or two. I feel hopeless? Yes. But what's next? Quitting? NO, DEFINITELY NOT! I'm not a born quitter, but an achiever! After some time of struggling, i decided to take whatever comes my way. I shall continue this part of my struggle in my next post. Now moving on!
After entering Uni, i'm glad that i still share room with my previous roommate and another new roommate from Sarawak a Catholic. I thank God for all his arrangement for me to meet this sister and the privileged to grow in Christ together with her. I think i got quite a lot of story to share regarding my uni life as well. Probably i'll go into details about the angels that God send to me during my varsity life in another day, too much things i would like to share.
I also took part in one of the college activity, in which i get the opportunity to learn 24 seasonal drum (二十四节令鼓). I think it is a great experience, and i'm glad that i have the opportunity =). I also went to victory weekend organise by my KL church-Eaglepoint. A great opportunity to refresh my life for God. A time to confess, a time to reaffirm my faith in Him and a time to understand my life purpose more. I started the one year bible reading plan in early september. It has always been in my mind, but sadly i always lack the motivation to start off and i hope that this time i could really stick to the plan. I guess this is also a challenge for me. As for the challenge to make disciple, it has always been a challenging task for me. I don't know how i'm going to carry out, but since my coursemate they are all non-christians, i pray that God will give me a platform to kick start.
As for my results, i must really praise the Lord for giving me his blessing every time. I'm a professional procrastinator. I only study during the eve of exam, rush my assignments last minute, prepare quiz/test the night before. Nevertheless, my God always lend me his hand in time when i need Him the most. I'm glad that after two semester, my cgpa still maintain at a relatively satisfactory range, hopefully after the 3rd semester it will not affect my dream to pursue my studies in a foreign land. I have been waiting for the answer from Him since form 5, and i hope after these years of hard work and faith i'll get a YES eventually. As the bible says: "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who ask receive; the one who seeks finds; and to the one knocks, the door will be opened." (Matt 7:7-8). "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." (Matt 21:22). With these two verses, i have faith in him.
Can't wait anymore for Chinese New Year! But before that, there are some dearies i really need to thank!
To God,
Thank You for being patience, kind and merciful with this annoying girl for 22 years. This girl always complaint about things in her life. This girl doubted you numerous times. This girl bothers you even with the simplest thing in her life, especially with the mistakes she made by herself. This girl whines whenever she thinks that life is unfair. The list will just go on as this girl life goes on. But this girl is truly grateful for all you have done for her, despite whether are those challenges, trials or hardship you put in her life or the blessing you showered upon her. Because she knows that from the day she surrender her life to you, you will have control over her.
To Parents,
Thank You for raising me these 22 years. Thank you for tolerating my nonsense, craziness and barbaric behaviour. I know i'm not a daughter who is good with words of appreciation. I seldom say thank you and never once I love you. But thank you for all the support and teaching throughout my life. Thank you for believing me for whatever decision i make or action i take. This is one of the main factor for all of my achievements, because you made me believing in myself that i can do it on my own. Though i always think, if i'm born with a wealthy family background, then i don't need to make do with my current course. I would be able to do the courses i desire, probably even pursuing my degree oversea. But still i thank God for blessing me with you as my parents. Though you may not be rich, but you provide for my needs. Though you never ask how i did in school, but i know that you are confident in me. Knowing that we are facing some financial problem as both me and derrick is in uni now, but mom you always show me the example of trust and obey, and God will provide. Indeed, God's goodness never fails. He blessed me with a full scholarship, and i'm proud to say that i'm 100% financially independent now.
To Friends,
I must say i don't usually pour my problems to anyone of you, because i'm always told: "if I can't even solve the problem, who is able to do so?" I guess i just have to thank you for having such an high expectation in me lol. But still thank you for your accompaniment whether is through whatsapp spamming or sms or even daily crap talking, i do enjoy every moment i spent with you guys.
To LG members,
Thank You for all the Holly prayer session, yumcha, makan session. I never once in my lifetime experience such close bonding between strangers from different places. But i believe since we have the same God as our center, we are no strangers to each other but brothers and sisters. The visitation, powerful prayers and supper delivery during examination period was the warmest care i ever experienced. Let's grow in Him stronger everyday, and make disciples.
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